there are 2 parts and i’m not sure how they will work together, in what order and all that.
¶ center stage is a huge video screen with a videotape projection of a full-screen vagina about to give birth. (there is an unseen slit down the middle of the screen.)
¶ downstage is a simple square table (wooden preferred, not an ugly foldup card table – but if it has to be that, a nice, perfect tablecloth on it) with:
- a hotplate
- a frying pan
- oil (bottle or fancy measuring cup)
- sausage (one, rigid)
- tomato (one, ripe)
- egg (one, raw)
- sesame seeds (lots)
i will explain “the sex act” at downstage table using this key:
- hotplate = desire
- frying pan = bed
- oil = passion
- sausage = penis
- tomato = vagina
- egg = life bearing
- seeds = life causing
what to do:
get the hotplate red hot. set the frying pan on it. pour in the oil. spread it around. squeeze the tomato into the pan (say “if it’s your regular lover, add onion”). drop the sausage in whole, let it sizzle. smear it around. crack the egg and drop it in (at the right moment). pour on the sesame seeds.
¶ what is the soundtrack for this part? (it has to be appropriate and unusual.)
¶ the sex part should happen before the birth part (naturally), but i don’t want to give away my costume: naked, slathered in strawberry preserves and/or stage blood, a hose attached to my penis extending back into the video vagina, out of which i squeeze myself at the proper moment (note: shaved head (and body)).
¶ the video shoot should be a recording of an actual vagina about to give birth.
(where can i get a video like this?)
¶ the sex part of the performance will take place before the newborn’s head “crowns,” so the audience is faced with that huge thing on the screen for the first however-long the sex part of the performance takes.
¶ will this require an additional performer onstage or is there some way to do this without my costume being seen? puppets? if i use someone else, will it still be considered a one-man show? is that ok? (and, besides, if i use someone else, what will my costume be?)
- or -
i could be dressed like a penis somehow (maybe in a giant condom) to coincide with the super-size vagina.
¶ after the sex explanation, i go into the vagina (sexually).
¶ the video continues – timed to perfection – and just as the newborn crowns, i reappear in my infant costume (described above, which I will have time to put on during the video).
¶ maybe inxs “need you tonight”?
¶ a condom doesn’t make sense in a piece called birth. –unless the condom breaks.
(note: tear the condom while entering the vagina.)
text to be worked into the piece (sung):
the miracle of birth, for what it is worth,
is a fact of life we all should know.
the man comes along, with a ding-and-a-dong,
and he puts it in the woman’s front hole.
then the magic shoots out of his masculine spout
into the woman whose vessel will hold it.
the sperm tail, it squiggles, into the egg wriggles,
and the fallopian tubes do enfold it.
only one drop is took, the rest of them forsook,
and now the man’s part in this play is done.
she has taken his seed, it has x, y, and zeed,
in her oven: the proverbial bun.
she experiences change, beautiful and strange,
till the two-hundred-and-seventieth day,
when the miracle sprouts, turns around and comes out
she was one, now there’s two where she lay.
they look and they smile, after a very long while,
at the life the two of them created.
how sad it would have been, if, just like other men,
on that day he had instead masturbated.